Weis Gets His Answers

It’s great when we encounter intelligent life out on the internets, and it’s even better when that intelligence comes from our “Fourth Branch” of government. We have found writers that we like before, but this DJ Gallo dude deserves some serious Displaced props.

In a recent espn.com Page 2 piece, Gallo rips into Charlie Weis like an Islandic whaler, taking the “Irish” coach to task for opening his mouth about the BCS rankings. The set-up piece is AP’s coverage of Weis’s Tuesday press conference, which showed that Weis may be less of a genius than he is a southern prophet. Let’s roll the tape (or just the AP coverage, if you’re lacking high bandwidth to see ESPN’s video) …

Charlie Weis isn't sure Notre Dame is a top 10-caliber team.

He's convinced, though, the 11th-ranked Fighting Irish didn't deserve to be jumped in the polls and the Bowl Championship Series Standings after a last-minute win over UCLA.
"One of the teams [Tennessee] that jumped us had the same game that we had. They're down, they're playing at home and they win by a field goal," Weis said Tuesday.

"Another team [Florida] that jumped us wasn't even playing. They were home eating cheeseburgers and they end up jumping us. That befuddles me."

Clemson jumped ahead of Notre Dame in The Associated Press Top 25 poll with a 31-7 victory over Georgia Tech, a team the Irish struggled to beat 14-10 in the season opener. The Irish dropped two spots to No. 10 in the coaches' poll after Florida, which had a bye, and Tennessee, which came back from seven points down to beat Alabama 16-13 with a touchdown with 3:28 left, moved ahead of the Irish.

Texas, which needed a 22-yard field goal to beat Nebraska 22-20 with 23 seconds left, passed the Irish in the BCS standings, dropping the Irish to No. 9.

"Tell me how that works?" Weis said. "Maybe I'm just stupid.”

Wow. Talk about putting himself on a huge tee for us non-believers to take a swing. Of course, any tee that would fit Weis would have to be huge given his girth, but he propped himself up pretty good nonetheless. Keeping with this golf metaphor, we’ll “let the big dog eat” …

Wrote Gallo:

Hey, care to know what befuddles me, Charlie? How the head coach of Notre Dame, a program which has consistently been overrated and ranked higher than it deserved to be for more than a decade -- and for most of the past century -- has the audacity to complain about polls. I mean … wow! That more than befuddles me.

And do you want to know what else befuddles me? How you were able to dupe Notre Dame into giving you a 10-year contract worth nearly $40 million after starting your career 5-2 without a single win against a team that finished the season ranked in the Top 25. That's a bit befuddling. As is the fact that you are regarded as some sort of football god even though the next good team your Fighting Irish beat will be the first. In your tenure you have played three good teams (so much for the perception that Notre Dame plays a brutal schedule, huh?): USC last October, Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl and Michigan five weeks ago. You were blown out in two of those three games. But, yeah, you almost beat USC. Congratulations. Heck of a moral victory there. That's exactly why you were hired. For moral victories.

Let's see … what else befuddles me? Oh, yeah: How you claim to hold everything about Notre Dame sacred, yet spend every Saturday afternoon on the sideline dropping F-bombs every other word and cussing out officials, all in the shadow of "Touchdown Jesus" and with a priest standing a few yards away. Sure, that's being a bit picky, I suppose, but I'm #^&*ing befuddled by it nonetheless.

Excellent. I just love how Gallo calls out multiple subjects here, including the Domer Hype Machine, the Domer desperation that drove Weis’s ludicrous contract extension, and the hyprocrisy of the Domer holier-than-thou attitude. Gallow goes on to dress Weis down – which we know takes tremendous effort given that Weis’s pants are as big as my pool cover – for his Bizarro World view of his team’s “accomplishments” and its “thrilling” win over ugla. Next, Gallo answers both of Weis’s questions directly …

Voters watch college football games and then at the end of every weekend rank the teams from best to worst as they see fit. Based on this week's polls, the average voter thinks your team is currently no better than 10th or 11th. Understand how it works? It's really quite simple. And, in all honesty, Notre Dame probably is not even deserving of being that high, but the polls are still adjusting to having your team ranked way too high to start the season -- which is sort of a rankings tradition.

And one more thing, since you asked -- no, you're not stupid. But you know you're not stupid. You just think everyone else is. That's why you are so incredibly condescending when you speak. It's part of your "charm."

Awesome! Again, exposing the holier-than-thou Domer Mind. Gallo finishes strong …

Yes, Charlie, I'd say there's a chance [for ND to play for the national championship]. I mean, geez, look at your schedule over the next month: at Navy, home versus North Carolina, at Air Force and home against Army. And maybe if you're lucky, you can even fit Temple in there somewhere on a Wednesday. So you should easily get through your next four games and be 10-1 and right in the thick of the national title hunt, with the voters leaving love letters outside your door again.

But wait … what's that I see at the end of your Division I-AA-esque stretch of games? Oooh, bummer. A game against USC. And on the road to boot. Too bad. Oh well -- so maybe there's not a chance that you'll play for the national championship this season. Not that you'd want to. Ohio State or Michigan would crush you. And that would be bad for your image.

Beautiful. It’s one thing if this stuff comes from someone in the USC corner of the blogoshere, but when it’s written by someone who actually writes for a living (albeit for SportsPickle, The Onion and Cracked) that’s just awesome.

Of course, Weis broke the first rule of the BCS Club: Don’t talk about BCS Club. But he just couldn’t help himself because he fuels the Domer Hype Machine, and is thus part of the collective Domer Mind that begets the “Irish” Bizarro World.

Luckily for us, people like DJ Gallo are around to help call it all out.

Fight On! Beat the Beavers!
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